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(no subject)

Nov. 20th, 2007 | 09:13 am
mood: indescribableindescribable

wow... i thought this would be fine... that i could do this.

turns out

i really am broken

there is no hope for me

my time is up.

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mildly freaking out

Nov. 17th, 2007 | 12:58 pm
mood: indescribableindescribable


i am in my zen place....

i am calm
i am free
i am calm
i am free


nothing can touch me

breathe.... i am free.

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Nov. 13th, 2007 | 05:51 pm
mood: ecstaticecstatic

i met a boy last weekend! :D

im so happy...

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(no subject)

Sep. 18th, 2007 | 12:58 am
mood: depresseddepressed

ok, so seriously, hoooly shit. first things first, im home! :D I had fun in florida and decided it was the right time to come home. Haha, now that im back, i remember why i left. seriously, what the fuck? i forgot how hard it is to get a job in ottawa when you don't speak french (which i dont). i've been doing temp work for so long, i forgot how hard and frustrating it is to get an actual permanent job.

i dont know what it is, but life has just seemed so hard lately. i struggle with myself every day. I dont know what i want. grrrrrr, i dont even know what exactly i want to write about right now. i can feel myself being pulled back under, and its not a place i want to go. i feel like im caught in the undertow of life, being dragged along with no control or strength. i know what i need to do, but sometimes, its just not that simple. i need direction and purpose, neither of which i have right now. but how does one find their purpose, how do you discover what you were meant to do??? i dont even know what to do with myself anymore.

im more depressed and unhappy than when i left...

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(no subject)

Jul. 16th, 2007 | 12:24 am
mood: lonelylonely

ive been feeling pretty low lately. without purpose or direction. i feel...lost. i asked myself today, what gives me joy in my life? sadly enough, i could think of one thing, a single person. i couldnt think of any activities, or places, my job, nothing. pretty much, i live my life for the sake of living my life.

you know, its been a pretty shitty year, probably one of my worst. it was a year since it started a month ago. i thought that it would have ended, that i would have paid my dues and would be able to move on and actually have real happiness again. not so much. things have stayed the same. i still feel like shit.

i even made a strong attempt to get out of this place, but somehow, life took that away too. it seems like life has forgotten about me. i was to pay my debt in misery and despair, and then move on with my life, but ive been left here to rot.

i dont even know what to do with myself anymore. i feel more alone than ever.

i need to get out of this place, somewhere fresh and new. i need to escape this life and find the one im meant to have. if i dont, i dont know what will happen...

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(no subject)

Jul. 15th, 2007 | 12:53 am
mood: melancholymelancholy

sandy and andrew got married today.

im so happy for them, because, they've been through so much in their relationship, and they stuck to eachother through it all, and now they've finally made it.

i dont know what it is about weddings that makes me so melancholy...

perhaps its the fact that it reminds me of what i dont have.

it doesnt usually bother me, and its not even something i want right now! but still... i think after everything, theres still that hopeless romantic inside of me screaming to get.

something ive been thinking about alot lately is my emotional...detachment. after the most unpleasent experience of having my heart broken last year, somehow, ive managed to emotionally detach myself from most things and most people. i mean, i did it conciously and on purpose. if your not emotionally invested or attached, then you cant get hurt when it goes away, right?. its been working for me so far, but ive been thinking about it alot lately, and it seems...cold. i kind of feel like i dont honestly care for anything or anyone anymore. there are the few people who manage to find a way into my (cold black, lol) heart, but not many, and the ones that are there, are at an arms length away. i dont know, its always seemed like a good idea, it still does now, im just afraid that i will become even more emotionally handicapped than i already am, lol. i dont know, i just dont know how to handle stuff like this anymore.

there are many things i must find the strenght to do, but this... this is not one of them.

does that make me a horrible person? that i dont wish to be emotionally attached to other human beings?

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im not quite sure how to title this one...

Jul. 3rd, 2007 | 06:14 pm
mood: indescribableindescribable

this past canada day was pretty much one of the worst weekends ive had in a long time. we (being myself and three others) were at a pig roast for canada day afternoon/evening, decided to take the bus downtown around 9:30.

while on the bus, a large gang of somolian guys decided that they deserved more space on the bus, and decided to take it by force.

pretty much, they beat the fuck out of us.

they kept screaming that they were going to kill us. i thought i was going to die.

its been two days.

im still in pain, and i havent slept since then.

it keeps going through my head. i just cant understand how someone can have such little regard for another person.

i dont even know where to go from here.

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May. 29th, 2007 | 11:19 pm
mood: confusedconfused

I met with the travel counsellor today. All I need is to continue my savings and apply for the program when I'm 100% positive its what I want. If I haven't already told you, Im thinking of taking a working holiday later this year. I'm not sure how long i'll be gone for, but I've been thinking about it for a while, now all i need is the money before I change my mind. I wanted to go and spend some time in Dublin, but I've learned that it rains there pretty much everyday, and some friends of mine went and they had to leave after a few months because his wife got too depressed because of the weather. Now, as a person whose mood is HIGHLY effected by the weather, Ireland may not be the best choice for me, lol. I'm not sure if im still going to go or if Ill choose a differnt travel destination. Anyways, super tired, still feeling mildly like shit (see blogs below). Ill probably be back debating what i should do. Oh yeah, and i APOLOGIZE for the HORRIBLE puncuation, spelling, and grammer in this blog, especially the inconsistancy in capitals and such. Anyways, later days.

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(no subject)

May. 24th, 2007 | 12:29 am
mood: sadsad

i feel like i used to, when i was sad, and wanted to die. only, i think when someone has truely been to that point, of not wanting to exist at all, and not that punkass emo bullshit, its not a place you want to go back to.

life is shit right now, i feel like shit, and alot of shit keeps happening to me, but i dont want to die.

i dont think ill ever go back to that place, because i know what its like and i know its not worth it.

i just wish i could be happy again.

it just seems like everyone is leaving me again.

my life goes through phases. at one point ill have everyone ive ever needed, and the next moment, im completely alone. this is one of those alone times.

all i want is to be happy again. i dont want to have these dark thoughts and simply glide through the day wishing i could cry.

what happened to me? its like, i dont even know who i am anymore. ive litterally lost myself, my house doesnt even feel like my home anymore. i feel like i have no place to truely rest my head and just be HOME. i feel like i cant stop moving, everything is flying by so fast, yet, at the same time, life is moving so painfully slow.

right now, for me, nothing is steady - nothing is stable.

i am alone.

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you cant be happy in the present, if you live in the past...

May. 22nd, 2007 | 01:11 am
mood: blankblank

[nos·tal·gia [no-stal-jee-uh] –noun
1. a wistful desire to return in thought or in fact to a former time in one's life, to one's home or homeland, or to one's family and friends; a sentimental yearning for the happiness of a former place or time; 2. A bittersweet longing for things, persons, or situations of the past. ]

so im sitting here, alone and bored, and all i can think of is the image below. its mildly reminicent of a book i read recently. at the moment, its depressing, yet hopeful, in some weird sort of way.
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

im exhausted, yet i won't sleep.

have you ever been afraid to sleep, because of what you might see when you close your eyes?

i don't even know what to say to myself

i just

i just dont want to BE right now

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